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customer service How To Tell You're Getting A Bad Haircut
by kraken
gfd messages
on Dec 13, 2004 04:00:01 PM

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I have short hair. Most of my adult life, I've cut it myself with a pair of clippers. From time to time though, I prefer to have it cut slightly differently, and so I find myself doing battle with the evil spawns of Satan that are shitty hairstylists.
Clue 1: Ask for something simple.
It's simple really. I walk in to the place, sit down in the chair, and when the aging Marlboro woman with the scissors asks me how I want it cut, I reply simply enough.

"I want it about an inch long on top, and use a #2 guard on the sides and back."

A simple haircut. No fancy stuff, just fancier than I feel comfortable doing myself. It usually takes no more than 15 minutes. She pulls out the clippers and starts working on the sides.

Clue 2: The clippers barely touch your scalp
I know I'm in trouble when she's holding the clippers like an elderly nun forced to touch John Holmes' cock. She's got a grip on that thing so light that I'm amazed it stays in her hands at all. Why isn't it falling to the floor to be shattered into a thousand shards, nevermore to be perverted by this tar-stained harpy from hell.

As she runs the clippers through my hair, I realize that the guard is almost never touching my scalp. Now call me crazy, but the guard seems to serve three purposes: to keep the blades of the clippers from whirrrrrrrring right into your skull, to cut the hair the proper length, and to help guide the hair into the rapidly oscillating blades. If she's not actually putting the guard against my head, she's surely not cutting it to a #2 length. If she's not actually putting the guard against my head, she's surely not guiding hair that may be lying down into the blades.

This is going to be bad. She spends a good five minutes lightly teasing the sides and back with the clippers and then gets out the scissors.

Clue 3: They start blending the sides into the top before cutting the top

Even I, as unknowledgable as I am about such matters, know that the purpose of blending is to provide a smooth transition from one hair length to another. Why then in the name of all that is holy and good would someone start blending when she doesn't even yet know how long the top is going to be? Pfft, who needs that silly "logic" crap, surely not nicotine-fit woman!

Clue 4: They don't bother wetting down the hair before using the scissors

My hair is fairly fine, and without wetting it down, it's very difficult to get it to come together. Add to that the fact that I'm now having a steady rain of minute hairs blown directly into my eyes, and I'm thinking this is not going well.

Clue 5: They tell you that they're going to do something you didn't ask for

After she spent a good fifteen minutes blending the sides (longer than the entire process usually takes), she tells me that she's going to leave it longer at the crown. I tell her no thank you, that she should just cut it the same length all over the top. Ten minutes later she tells me that she's going to leave the front longer so I have "bangs". I tell her no, please just cut it the same length all over the top.

Clue 6: When cutting with scissors, they don't progress over your head in a set pattern

When Virginia Slim started pulling up some hair, cutting it, and then moving to a completely random other spot on my head for the next slice, I realized that I would be shaving my head once I got home. If you don't actually move in a predictable pattern, how do you have any idea if the hair in any given spot has been cut?

Clue 7: She stops and says, "How does that look?" and you can see huge tufts of hair sticking up in places

I was so screwed. Not only had she not cut it the length I wanted (too long in places and too short in others), but now she was claiming victory when even I, with my glasses off, looking into a mirror several feet away could tell that my hair looked like a 3 year old with a pair of scissors had attacked a poodle.

Clue 8: You realize that it will never get any better, and just ask her to stop and let you leave

A full forty minutes into this affair, I realized that it was never going to get anywhere near what I had originally wanted, and if I let her continue it would only get worse. I told her "That looks fine, I need to get to the doctor's office."

Now I sit at home. The front is a good half-inch longer than the back. There are tufts of longer hair at various places on my head. There are spots of longer hair on the sides that I can see. I will now do as I should have done in the first place - I'll lean over a towel on the floor and run the clippers back and forth across my scalp until everything is even.

Boy that haircut sure was the best $11.95 I ever spent.

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