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| It's hard to keep a straight and level head about you when it only seems as though you have any appreciation for it. |
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I'm a junior in high school. I've had some ups and downs, and I've been a petty bitch and a loud ass hole. I've also been quiet and shy and arrogant and the entire range of possible personalities. But, as is standard with my age, I'm having a hard time keeping the one I want, which i couldn't explain if I wanted to. But this past, these past few weeks have been particularly brutal.
I moved as of last Sunday, the previous week being midterms, and Monday started at my new school. Half-way through junior year, I moved. Scholastically, I'm doing my best, which has turned out to be enough. However, the importance of the junior year needn't be stressed to those familiar with it, and I am undoubtedly stressed. Socially, however, I'm competing with kids who have had their friends as long as I mine, and have no reason to give them up or lessen their time with them, for me. Fine, whatever. I can make friends.
Yesterday, while in the car with my father, the driver, I was hit by a car. A little rattled, but I can handle it.
As I wrote before, my dog has cancer, which is emotionally straining, but I can cope, and she is happy.
Talking to the friends I used to see on a day to day basis breaks my heart; it's the difference between experiencing things with people, and hearing about it from them. I have no one to experience the things that are important to me with. It is very lonely.
In addition, the constants of my life have been my friends and dogs. I have had them longer than nearly anything. My parents got divorced at an early age and hearing two assumed goods call each other evil distanced, greatly, my relationship with them as parent-son. When my brother moved, and because I had moved in the past, the things I relied on seeing were my dogs and friends.
Today, my mom wanted to know why i hadn't told her I was in the car accident. At the time, it was only important that my dad was alright. Emotionally wrecked from having lost the only car he had ever liked, I didn't want him to have to deal with my mother.
Because of this 'misdeed' on my part, my driving privileges have been taken away. This only further contributes to an incurable sense of loneliness, and it sucks.
Not to mention the only reason I actually wanted the car was so I could drop off my dad's old camera to have it fixed, as a nice surprise. But now, I am stuck in my house, with no one to come see me or to go see, no one to call (without having to explain the entire situation to, which would drive me nuts), and ultimately no way out.
I had, though i would have been hell, the ability to stop the move.
I decided it was better for me to be lonely than for my mom to be lonely.
And now I can't even go do something nice for my dad, or even attempt to meet somebody to bitch to.
My stress levels are through the roof.
God fucking damnit. |
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