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general Tommorow, I'm leavin' the U S of A.
by GFDman
gfd messagesAIM
(mike at godfuckingdamnit point com) on Apr 22, 2005 11:42:58 PM

If you were logged in, you could vote for this story!

And I ain't comin' back.
 
... Because I probably won't be allowed. HA HA HA HA!

Funny Quick Story 4 u guys, from GFD "The Life" Man himself.

Last summer, I went on a lil' vacation down to north carolina. I made the mistake of driving.

Princess Anne, Maryland. If the state of Maryland were a person, this particular part of it would correspond to the colon. (Not to glorify the rest of the ol' Mary. On a whole, she's one ugly bitch.) ... In reality, it's just an unfortunate part of the route when drivin' down the coast towards the carolinas.

Anyway.

What do you think a shithole town that's basically a long stretch of highway in the middle of nowhere's bread and butter would be?

Yawl thinkin'?

U got it!?

SPEEDIN' TICKETS, MUTHAFUCKA!

Bored ass cops, chowin' down on limited edition MacDonalds Crab Cake sandwiches, gunnin' for your asshole in their squad car, which is conveniently located in a little blindspotted nook on the side of highway, right up against yonder' woods. You ain't gotta chance, outta' towner. You tryin' to get your vacation on? We tryin' to fuck your shit UP.

You see were I'm goin with this?

Long story short, there was a particularly boring part of this highway that was entirely uninhabited. I glanced down at my speedometer, and was shocked to see that I was actually going the speed limit. "Been driving for hours. Might as well open up the ol' throttle for a mile or two", my stupid little brain says.
So, I does, and, in 60 seconds time, the magical GFD cloud formed in the heavens, and sent a surge of what has become known as my super power down directly into my spinal column. I glance in the rear view.

Bacon. I smell bacon. FLASHY LIGHTS!

MOTHER FUCKING COCK SUCKING SON OF A FUCK, FUCK, FUCCKKKK! I haven't gotten a speeding ticket in years. My record was completely clean. I suddenly realized where I was, and I knew it was going to be bad.

I pull over. Sarge moseys on up to my window. A rather large African American fellow. He takes a look at my sporty little fag mobile, my pasty white skin, and my currently-smoking-a-cigarette-girlfriend in the passengers seat. Did I mention I got the feeling this wasn't going to go well? It was Sarges lucky day. Today, he was going to stick it to the man. He was going to deposit his load of podunk police reverse racism directly into my puckered ass, and he was going to savor every minute of it.

"Yuh know why I pulled you over today?"

"No, officer. What seems to be the problem?"

"Gimmie yer license and registration."

"Don't you need my insurance information to-"

"Just gimmie yer license and registration. I'll be back."

Ohhhhh yeah. I immediately just gave up. This guy was obviously a big fucking prick, and he already had the ticket written up in his mind the second he saw my car. It ended up being something like 80 in a 55. That's bad. By the way. SINCE WHEN IS THE SPEED LIMIT ON FUCKING HIGHWAYS IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE FUCKING 55? Here in "civilization", 75 is the minimum on a real highway, speed limit or not. $275 fine, although dipshit filled in the "$525" dollar box, probably just to make that final drip of shit run down my leg.

"You have a nice day now."

At this point in the trip, I'm about 4 1/2 hours from home, realistically. I'm pissed as hell for the rest of the drive, but, I eventually let it go, resolving to fight the fucker till the bitter end.

Well...

4 Months later, I finally get a court date. Sure enough, I'm supposed to show up in PRINCESS ASS, MARYLAND at 9am sharp, on a tueday morning. Not only do I work on tuesday morning, but it's 4 AND HALF FUCKING HOURS AWAY. I have to take off work and get up at 4 in the morning to go deal with this stupid shit? Are you fucking kidding me? Nope! Well, fuck that. I call in and get a postponement, hoping they'll give me a courtdate at a more reasonable time, given my distance.

NOPE!

Rescheduled court date? ... A Tuesday. 9AM. MOTHERFUCKER. But, I've got to go down there ... Got to fight this shit. I'm going to turn 25 this year, and I don't need this shit destroying my record when I'm actually finally due for a break in my insurance rates.

That day comes, and, the magical cloud forms above again ... BAM! I've had a horrible cold for days, and I ain't nowhere near over it. It's the dead of fucking winter. 4am? Fuck that.

I GIVE UP! I'M FUCKED!

I pay the motherfucking fine, prepare myself for my awesome newfound insurance rates, and move on with my life.

..BUT WAIT ... THERE'S MORE!

Son, son, son. When something goes wrong, you should know by now that it's the beginning of a domino effect.

My momz calls me up, and tells me the state of delaware sent a notice saying my license would be suspended in a few days, due to an unpaid fine in the FANTASTIC state of maryland. WHAT THE FUCK!? THAT SHIT WAS PAID MONTHS AGO!

...Immediately AFTER this notice, a notice comes from maryland, saying that the fine had been properly settled... but ... P.S.

THE PIECE OF SHIT STATE OF MARYLAND NOTIFIES YOUR HOME STATE OF SPEEDING TICKETS, BUT _DOES NOT_ SEND NOTICES TO YOUR HOME STATE WHEN YOU _ACTUALLY PAY THE TICKET_.

I'm not making this shit up. This is actually a regulation.

In order to keep my license from being suspended, I fax over a copy of the maryland notice to delaware. This should square things away.

And it did!

... SIKE!

Fast forward to today -- NEARLY A YEAR LATER --. I'm about to leave for vacation once again, but this time to someplace OUT of this shit country -- ON A PLANE --, and I am oh-so-grateful. I'm actually leaving in about 4 hours. For some reason I don't need a full blown passport, but I'll be needing my birth certificate and license in order to travel.

Momz calls me up earlier today, and asks me if I've been driving today.

"Why?", I sez.

"CUZ WE JUST GOT A NOTICE THAT YOUR LICENSE IS SUSPENDED FOR 2 MONTHS AS OF TODAY."

"W H A T!?!??#?~@&~*@~&^!~@&!^&@^&!~@(*@#&(@#~~!@"

"Yep. Says here, the law states a Manditory license suspension on a speeding ticket 25+ mph over the limit. One month initially, then 1 month for every 5 more miles over."

"You have got to be fucking kidding me. I have absolutely nothing on my record prior to this one, isolated incident. They can't do that!"

"Apparently they can, and they've already done it. Says here you need to deliver your license back to the state."

(EDITOR'S NOTE: And I'm going to deliver my suspended license to them ... in my car?)

HAH! SO, THAT'S THAT! LICENSE SUSPENDED!

$275 PAID!

INSURANCE? FUCKED FOR YEARS TO COME!

All for a momentary speed increase on a deserted highway.

I LOVE THIS FUCKING COUNTRY!



Assuming I can actually get on a plane tommorow, I'm hoping they won't let me come back a week from now. Fuck this country, fo real. Maybe teh terrarists h8 our freedom because they just LIVED HERE FOR A WHILE. Eventually, you get the clear picture that it needs to be blown up. Yeah, that's right. Don't let me back on that plane, muhfuckaz. I'M CRAZY! CRAZY SPEEDING MAN!

Just another day in the life of GFD Man. I didn't used to be this insane, but dealing with shit like this on a daily basis is quite obviously driving me fucking batty. Much apologies if this story is rough around the edges. I wrote it in about 10 minutes, and it was very much just a much needed stream of GFD conciousness.

GFDMAN OUT

[ Comment on this story ]


    Pain, pain, pain dunce
    by kraken
    gfd messages
    on Apr 22, 2005 11:55:42 PM
    (#18527)
    I wonder, was it in a "construction zone"? In other words, "did the local police put up a sign saying 'construction zone' and leave a couple of cones around so they could double any tickets given in their speed trap" Stranger things have happened, and it might explain the fine being so much higher (granted, not exactly doubled).

    Edit: Dunce? I offered this as an honest question.
    [Reply to this comment]
    for starters... thumbs downduncedunce
    by earl
    gfd messages
    on Apr 25, 2005 10:00:34 AM
    (#18536)
    ...So, you think blacks aren't good enough to be real racists? They have to be reverse racists? I suppose you think it takes someone with a thin nose, small penis, and pants that fit to be a regular, run-of-the-mill, good old fashioned racist. Why "reverse racists?" Why not rizz-acist or honky hater or something like that? Is that what you think? That only whites are capable of real racism?

    No wonder the cop gave you a ticket.

    Also, you want to know the easiest way to avoid having letters sent "home" when you get a ticket? Grow up and move out. And what's your mom doing opening your mail, anyway?

    Oh, and easy on the gas pedal, little fella. This ain't the Indy 500.
    [Reply to this comment]
      You were on the level,
      by TheChisa(come@me.bro)
      gfd messages
      on Apr 25, 2005 02:56:42 PM
      (#18541)
      until that Mom shit. That killed it for me.
      [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
      That... heartheartpoop
      by GFDman(mike at godfuckingdamnit point com)
      gfd messagesAIM
      on Apr 30, 2005 09:36:02 PM
      (#18555)
      ...sounds like nigger talk to me.

      LOL/JK



      because jokes are funny, right? we call that post-racism FUNNY JOKES over here. THIN NOSE, SMALL PENIS, PANTZ THAT FIT REGULAR IN THE HIZZZYY!!!

      you wanna get into semantics wit me? given your response, i'm going to assume that you're an "angry, black, passive aggressive reverse racist male". how's that for a label, fuckhead.

      yeah, i came back, and yeah, i had a nice vacation -- so nice, in fact, that i am freshly invigorated to kill EVERYONE -- WHITE (HONKEY) OR BLACK (DARK) -- that steps up to the plate to get shot in the motherfucking face.

      so step up, jackson.

      peace love and pikachu,

      little fella
      [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
        the word fuck is one thing dunce
        by cazualdiva(cazualdiva@notmail.com)
        gfd messages
        on May 14, 2005 10:30:59 PM
        (#18624)
        but throwing around the word nigger is whole different thing. I just joined and I might regret that. Being pissed is cool, using racial epithets to express your anger just makes you sound like an ignorant racist redneck. Is this just a thinly disguised hate site or the fun rant against idiocy I signed up for?

        PS sorry for posting twice, I read in another section that you couldn't directly respond to a post, just in the string and then after posting saw that I could reply to this hateful dribble directly.
        [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
          Who you callin a redneck? dunce
          by Spanker(munsterinthedark@hotmail.com)
          gfd messagesAIM
          on May 15, 2005 04:23:01 AM
          (#18627)
          Didn't you read the post about people having to speak English to be real people?
          OBVIOUSLY we're just ass holes.

          And we share our colors with the KKK!
          [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
            What the FUCK dunceduncedunce
            by cazualdiva(cazualdiva@notmail.com)
            gfd messages
            on May 15, 2005 08:55:00 PM
            (#18628)
            are you talking about??
            Number one: I said that using racial slurs makes one sound like a redneck so if you use them (slurs) then I guess I did call you one although you aren't even the person I wrote the post to.
            Number two: what the hell does speaking english have to do with this?? Not only do you come across as an asshole but you aren't even making sense.
            Number three: Who shares their colors with the KKK? Do you mean flag colors? Do you mean the colors white and red? IF so then Australia, Canada, Egypt, Greenland, Algeria,Italy, The UK, Uganda, Vatican City, The USA, many other countries, and the KKK all share red and white colors. My God! You're right! Its an international racist conspiracy!
            [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
              oh my god thumbs upthumbs up
              by Spanker(munsterinthedark@hotmail.com)
              gfd messagesAIM
              on May 15, 2005 10:44:05 PM
              (#18630)
              learn to read sarcasm.
              I liked you because you did research.
              Evidently you didn't bother reading anything I've posted anywhere on this site.
              [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
              I share my colors with the KKK gold stargold star
              by GMFTatsujin(Ask and ye shall receive)
              gfd messagesAIM
              on May 16, 2005 01:20:33 PM
              (#18638)
              I only read web pages that use WHITE backgrounds just like GFD because I am WHITE and so are my bedsheets. The Aryan nation IS TEH INTARWEB and we RULE ALL. Know why? Try writing a web page someday. What color does the background default to?


              ...


              White.


              GFD WHITE BACKGROUNDS 4EV4R
              [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
          that
          by cxreg(cxreg@godfuckingdamnit.com)
          gfd messagesAIM
          on May 19, 2005 07:01:00 PM
          (#18657)
          sounds like nigger talk to me
          [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
    No need to worry.
    by bean
    gfd messages
    on Apr 25, 2005 11:41:31 AM
    (#18539)
    On the plus side, you'll be spending your days ignoring the world while surrounded by some of the most beautiful water and fishes in the whole fucking world.

    And that poor cop will still be a cop a hick town in Maryland.

    I think we know who the winner is.
    [Reply to this comment]
    the word fuck is one thing duncedunce
    by cazualdiva(cazualdiva@notmail.com)
    gfd messages
    on May 14, 2005 10:27:58 PM
    (#18623)
    but throwing around the word nigger is whole different thing. I just joined and I might regret that. Being pissed is cool, using racial epithets to express your anger just makes you sound like an ignorant racist redneck. Is this just a thinly disguised hate site or the fun rant against idiocy I signed up for?
    [Reply to this comment]
      Yes thumbs up
      by kraken
      gfd messages
      on May 15, 2005 12:47:42 AM
      (#18626)
      you might regret that expenditure of the energy of clicking a mouse a few times. How terrible for you to have wasted all that energy.
      [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
      So,
      by TheChisa(come@me.bro)
      gfd messages
      on May 16, 2005 04:46:23 PM
      (#18640)
      you're saying niggers AREN'T funny?

      What about the Wayans Brothers?
      [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
      Oh?
      by bwc
      gfd messages
      on May 17, 2005 09:29:16 AM
      (#18646)
      I guess The Niggar Family is an exception.

      Without the meaning behind it, a word is just a series of letters. Look at the meaning.
      [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
      Way to say what's on all our minds thumbs up
      by GMFTatsujin(Ask and ye shall receive)
      gfd messagesAIM
      on May 19, 2005 11:37:37 PM
      (#18661)
      I'm glad you aren't niggardly with your scorn.
      [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
        OK
        by cazualdiva(cazualdiva@notmail.com)
        gfd messages
        on May 25, 2005 11:21:25 PM
        (#18688)
        That's a good one. Hope you won't all be nigglers towards me. And thanks for the link for all those who don't know what niggardly means.
        http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=niggler
        And I can't stand Chapelle either. And one more sentence that ends and begins with and.

        And I hate slurs no matter who spews them whether it be the Niggar Family or Clampetts or whom ever the fuck.And.
        [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
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