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school Fun Times in 209
by kraken
gfd messages
on May 1, 2005 11:43:38 PM

If you were logged in, you could vote for this story!

Come and sit around while I tell a tale of 5th grade woe. It is a tale of such fun times that years later a classmate's band wrote a song about it (hence, 'Fun Times in 209').
 
In 5th grade, I entered the "Gifted and Talented" program in our school district, called "Quest". At that time, they did the Quest class in 5th and 6th grade by taking you out of your regular classes on one day a week. The 5th grade was in Quest on Mondays, and the 6th grade was in Quest on Tuesdays.

The teacher for the class when I was in 5th grade was a world-class whore. It is entirely possible that she could have been a perfectly reasonable excuse for a college professor, but as a 5th grade Quest teacher, she was about as effective as John Wayne Gacy teaching kindergarden. She was mean, she was spiteful, she was unwaveringly strict - all with kids who had been told that they were going to be able to "stretch their mental legs", so to speak. Ms. Lawrence's (and don't you ever misstep and call her 'Mrs', she'd give you extra work as punishment) idea of "stretching your mental legs" was to put people in "groups", and then make them work logic puzzles all day, but god help you if your voice rose above a whisper. So, we'd have to sit in these "groups" and work logic puzzles most of the day, and at the end of each day, we had to turn in this self-evaluation form, on which we had to explain in about two pages of detail exactly what we had learned that day, and exactly what we did wrong, and exactly how we should fix ourselves to be perfect little droids. It was all quite spirit-dampning. So there we sat, every Monday, from when we got to school, until lunch, and then from lunch until the final bell, only getting bathroom breaks once during the morning (if she decided we had time).

One Monday, we came back from lunch, and we were shoved into our communes, given some particularly mind-numbing logic puzzles to work. Lunch had been at about 11am, and about 1pm, I started to need to do what people need to do a couple of hours after imbibing liquids. I raised my hand to ask if I could visit the restroom, and was gifted with a sharp, "Work it out with your group!" Well, this being somewhat of a non-logic puzzle related problem, I didn't see the logic in "working it out with my group." So, I wanted a minute, and raised my hand again, and was again blessed with a "I said, work it out with your group!" God forbid the bitch would ever have to *help* someone out, as a teacher. Well, I decided that I could put it off for a while, and that it would probably be best to try again later, after she'd had time to remove the broomstick that was obviously embedded deep within her ass. I waited about a half an hour.

Now, when you're a kid, there's not a whole lot of time between "I have to pee", and "I AM GOING TO PEE!" I think the half-hour was pretty much the outer limits of my window of opportunity. So, once again, I raised my hand, and what did my wondering ears hear, but "That's it, you're getting a lunch detention next week." Yes folks, I'd never even spoken. Well, at this point the situation was getting pert nigh serious, and I figured I had nothing left to lose, so I just blurted out, "I have to go to the bathroom!" Her reply, obviously carefully crafted after years of teaching, was "You'll just have to wait until school lets out!" Now, school let out at 3:15pm. It was 1:30pm. There was no way in the dark depths of hell that I was going to last another 5 minutes, let alone an hour and forty-five minutes. I protested, "But I have to go NOW!", and was promptly rewarded with another lunch detention.

Now the rest of the kids in the class were at this point looking on with that kind of glazed-eye horror that you typically only see in the movies. They understood that I had to go to the bathroom. They understood from the way I was sitting, and squirming, that it had to be NOW. The collective eyes of twenty students, utterly terrified of the teacher, yet sympathetic for my plight, swung from Ms. Lawrence to myself. When I realized that I could *really* wait absolutely not another second, I bolted for the door. Ms. Lawrence intercepted me before I got there. She didn't just stand in front of the door, which would have been completely effective at keeping me from exiting the room. No, *knowing* that I claimed extreme bladder fullness, the Whore of Babylon swung her arm out, and "caught me around my waist." From where I was, it was a lot less like a catch, and a lot more like a stiff arm against my bladder.

Yes, when you are literally about to explode in a rain of urine, using all your concentration to keep that explosion from happening for another thirty seconds, and someone smacks a stiff arm against your bladder, the gig is up. I, an 11 year old, in school, in the "Gifted and Talented" class, pissed my pants. I pissed my pants with the entire class looking on.

As the warm wet flower of urine expanded on my pants, the ice queen looked at me as you would look at a dog eating its own feces, and said, "Do you have some sort of bladder problem? That's disgusting, go to the office." That's right, she didn't even tell me to go clean up. She walked me down to the principal's office, pants soaked in urine, to attempt to take disciplinary action against me. After she left me with the principal (who called my mother to bring me clean clothes), I sobbed while I explained what had happened. To his credit, he was very understanding, and even went up and randomly picked 5 students out of the class and brought them down to corroborate my tale of woe. Once he was satisfied that I was not exaggerating, he reassured me, and let me go home when my mother brought the clothes.

The following week, as I reluctantly strode down the hall toward our Quest room, I became increasingly aware of several members of the class outside the door, speaking in hushed tones with animated gestures.

We had a new teacher. Ms. Lawrence evidently had tenure, or at least enough pull to make it difficult to remove completely, but there had been so many complaints from parents about her teaching in this class that allowing (I'm sorry, making) a child to piss himself was the straw that broke the camel's back. She was promoted into an administrative position, where she would not be directly involved with students anymore. Our new teacher, Ms. Starnes, now SHE was cool. She had us design a 'City of the Future', and let us build a scale model of it that was about 10'x10'. She showed us the movie Soylent Green, had us read interesting books, and other such neat activities. If it hadn't been for Ms. Starnes, I think I would have given up on school.

[ Comment on this story ]


    brings back some awful memories
    by raven(duz ur face hurt its killin me)
    gfd messagesAIM
    on May 2, 2005 01:39:33 AM
    (#18560)
    as a frequent school vomiter (on classroom doors, inside a desk, on my fellow students), i sympathize completely. there is nothing more horrible than losing control of any of your digestive fluids in front of a gaping audience.
    [Reply to this comment]
      Awesome
      by banuaba(lol@keke.rofl)
      gfd messagesAIM
      on May 2, 2005 02:11:49 AM
      (#18561)
      Although I would have hated to go to school with you, it seems pretty neat that you were a school puker. You're somewhat like a superhero, striking fear into evildoers as you chuck up ham sandwiches all over them.
      [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
        puking
        by raven(duz ur face hurt its killin me)
        gfd messagesAIM
        on May 2, 2005 09:12:07 AM
        (#18563)
        i threw up on a bully as she was chasing me up the monkey bars. i leaned over and puked on her. it was awesome, my crowning achievement in the realm of public puking. it was exhilarating and also the most humiliating thing that ever happened to me. she deserved it; she left me alone after that. she grew up to be a perfectly horrible person...

        i blame the cafeteria food. i remained good because i never fully digested any of it.
        [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
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        [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
      Best memories.
      by bean
      gfd messages
      on May 2, 2005 02:20:41 PM
      (#18566)
      I can only wish I had those sort of stories to share.


      But my brother, on the other hand, was a legendary school puker. There are several stories involving barfing on helpless victims as they waited in line for lunch, or for the bathroom, or for the nurses office or just wandering the hallway. He was a tyrant of vomit and the barfing situation became so bad that many students were afraid to be near him.


      His best story and most well-known school legend involves "Friendship Group".


      Now, the story begins with the guidance counselor. She set up this "Friendship Group" to help students learn to be friends with other students who they normally would not assosiate with. The idea was the learn to get along through silly games and stickers.


      The setting was a small, cramped office in a rundown rural school. The majority of the space in this room was occupied by a desk, a round table, chairs and self help posters. At maxiumum you could maybe fit 6-7 children in this office.


      So, the first meeting for his group arrives. A small handfull of elementary school children are shoveled into this office. My brother, promptly chooses the seat next to the door. They do their little friendship games and stickers. Then, the tyrant of vomit struck. My brother unleashed a rage of vomit upon the entire group including the counselor. Covering the entire table, desk, students and counselor with projectile waves of vomit. The screams and horror as the fled for the door, only for the exit to be blocked by the vomit covered nemisis.


      Shortly after this incident, "Friendship Group" was cancelled.
      [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
      AsharSeo
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      gfd messages
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    It's odd
    by Spanker(munsterinthedark@hotmail.com)
    gfd messagesAIM
    on May 2, 2005 04:12:02 PM
    (#18567)
    I've always been a pretty decent student... doing what I can to keep it up now.
    But in 7-10 grade, I was met by about 6 death threats from kids anywhere from 1-3 years older.
    But in 8th grade my principal threatened to expel me for "distributing cocaine through Binaca."
    Binaca is a mint spray.
    Me and my friends carried tons of the stuff.
    But for some reason I managed to open the things up, put coke in them, and sell them to other students.

    Somewhere between shittiest thing ever to dumbest thing ever.
    [Reply to this comment]
    A teacher in the 3rd grade didn't let me go either.
    by nusschen
    gfd messagesICQ
    on May 2, 2005 09:21:47 PM
    (#18568)
    Same result, except teacher stayed in her position.
    [Reply to this comment]
    sounds about right...
    by Microsoft Bob(spamburrito@gmail.com)
    gfd messagesAIMICQ
    on May 3, 2005 09:01:21 PM
    (#18571)
    I was top 10% of my class in every subject up until jr high... I got extremely sick in the first half of the year (literally, I was out for a month, I was hospitalized for a week, and couldn't keep any food down for almost 3.)

    All of my other teachers were "okay" with this, letting me catch up as I could, so I wouldn't have to deal with summer school (not that I minded, just that it was a pain in the ass at a year round school).

    Except my math teacher. She was being a tyrant about the whole situation, forcing me to make up the whole month plus that I missed, and oh, she'll give me two weeks to do it.

    So, I worked on it, and pretty soon (4 days later?) I had a relapse, and ended up missing another couple days, and ... long story short, I get ulcers because of the bitch, and completely fucked over most of my other classes. I end up changing schools and doing perfectly fine in the new school.

    She threatened me with failing because she was never available to let me make up a test I missed. She called me lazy and stupid in front of the class. I took offense to this and brought it up with the principal. Apparently it wasn't the first complaint they'd had.

    Despite her best attempts at making me hate math, I managed to get 99th percentile on the standardized math tests that year. She was let go 2 years after I left the school(last half of 9th grade).

    ... And followed me to the high school. Funny, because at the time, the head of the math department was a lady whose brother in law was my history teacher, and her brother was my 6th grade teacher. I was taking the department head's algebra 2 class at the same time, and was at higher than 100% in the class (yay extra credit). I was also in the high honors program, while putting in no effort whatsoever.

    Last I heard, she was teaching remedial math in the "low income" high school in the area.

    Ahhh, school. What would we do without ye.
    /Bob
    [Reply to this comment]
    Takes me back.
    by Jayo
    gfd messages
    on May 10, 2005 02:14:32 PM
    (#18586)
    I am sorry to hear this cause I have been in situations like this, except in mine i was in high school. I was not allowed to use to use the bathroom in English class. Which by the way is I couldn't stand being there anyway. The teacher would not allow to me to go to the bathroom, after argueing and trying to convience Mrs. Grosenhiemer I really haad to go bad she tried to make me sit there and suffer. So being the punk I was at the time I just purposly pissed in the garbage can in class. It got me in alot of trouble, but my point was proven cause I was never once told I couldn't use the restroom the rest of my years in school.
    [Reply to this comment]
    teachers
    by illuminatus(illuminatus005 at yahoo)
    gfd messages
    on May 10, 2005 03:30:27 PM
    (#18587)
    I had a teacher like that. You know, I've always meant to get a brick, write "worst teacher ever award" on it and put it through her window, but I never got around to it. Maybe when I have some free time this summer.
    [Reply to this comment]
    Man.
    by TheChisa(come@me.bro)
    gfd messages
    on May 10, 2005 06:07:38 PM
    (#18589)
    I too had teachers of this level of asininity. Mrs Alexander, in kindergarten, despised me because my parents had allowed me to watch Sesame Street up until me school years, so I already knew my alphabet and simple addition. Parents weren't yet in the habit of forcing their kids to take Ritalin in those days, so I generally got into a lot of trouble because, frankly, I was bored to fucking tears.

    The very best instance in that class was when I got to play the little drummer boy in the kindergarten christmas play. She fucking SCOLDED me in front of an audience of parents for BANGING THE DRUM TOO LOUD. "You're going to wake up the baby Jesus!" Direct quote, no shit. I can safely say that THAT experience had an effect on my views of Christianity later in life.

    Then when I was in second grade, Mrs Bollinger flipped out on me one day because I properly used quotes on a test, and that there was no way a second grader would know that sort of thing unless I had seen the answer key. You read that right -- I was TOO correct. So she antagonized and interrogated me for about half an hour straight until I was a nervous wreck of tears and stammering, and by that time I wasn't even sure if I *had* accidentally seen it or not.

    Nevermind the fact that I had an IQ of 150 and had a reading level so high, I had switched up from the comics section of the newspaper to the classifieds by age three.

    I pissed myself in class, in third grade, two days in a row. Don't really remember the particularities there, but it sure was a self-esteem booster when Mrs Wheeler moved my desk to the other side of the room, away from the rest of the class, for the remainder of the year.

    And don't even get me started about Mr Lewis, my fourth grade teacher who would discipline students by throwing them, then making them stay afterschool while he sung over reel-to-reel tapes of opera music. I could write a NOVEL on THAT nutjob.

    And you people wonder why I am the way I am today?

    I do take solace in the fact that these old fucks are probably dead now, and that if this ever happens to any children I may have some day, the perpetrating teachers will be recieving the most lethal Chisa Fist imaginable.
    [Reply to this comment]
    Good fucking! half gold starhalf gold stardunce
    by Ifuckedyourmoma
    gfd messages
    on May 13, 2005 03:00:46 PM
    (#18610)
    R u a virgin?
    [Reply to this comment]
    i almost failed a paper for making fun of wilford brimley
    by Cossack(The-weak-should@DIE.kill)
    gfd messages
    on Jul 27, 2009 01:45:10 PM
    (#27654)
    Not on the paper... just out loud.

    I wasn't in trouble for being disruptive to the class... it was for making fun of WILFORD BRIMLEY...

    That day in class a few freinds and myself were watching The Thing scenes on the computer and we started laughing at wilford brimley trying to convince macready to let him out of the shed thing which lead to several jokes later in the day.


    When the actually trouble went down was when our history teacher was asking us how some guy died and I said "Diabeetus! Because he didn't get his liberty medical supplies delivered right to his door!" (the impression was utterly perfect)

    Then he came over to my desk and started ranting about how it was unethical to make fun of wilford brimley for various reasons...


    The guy decided I was going to have to do my essay over because I couldn't have been making jokes and working hard enough to get the right answers.



    The same bastard was almost killed by a really really pissed off student.
    [Reply to this comment]
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