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general I'm Not Gonna Quit Smoking Pot OR Circumventing Piss Tests and There Ain't Shit You Can Do About it
by lbrtylvr
gfd messages
on May 30, 2005 05:46:44 AM

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I openly and shamelessly acknowledge decades of marijuana use and enjoyment. Turning on some music and relaxing in my living room with a bowl of tasty bud is a perfectly acceptable waste of time. Work is a different story of course. That part of the day, along with my best effort at whatever task is in front of me belongs to the job and obviously, the weed stays home. I have enough shit going on in my life without the fucking government coming up with yet more lame bullshit laws aimed at making sure my fucking urine is available for taste testing at a moments notice. If the company really wants my piss, it can be had by sending one of the little honeys in the office around to suck it out of the snotty end of my fuckstick. Once I'm off the clock what I do with my time is my own fucking business.
O.K. so that last sentence hasn't been true since 1987 with the signing of The Drug Free Workplace Act. The bill of rights is very specific about our rights regarding self-incrimination and unreasonable searches of our homes, persons and, effects. Legally, neither law enforcement nor anyfuckingbody else can compel a citizen to submit to a search without a warrant based on probable cause presented under oath in front of and signed by a judge. Yet, for the last 18 years, employers have had authority surpassing that of local, state, and even federal law enforcement. By law, your boss can demand a cup of piss at anytime without any explanation. Do not assume that just because you don't smoke dope that you're safe. If you drink the recommended 8 glasses of water each day in all likelihood your specimen will be diluted, and therefore the results will be inconclusive, which is NOT the desired negative result. It's at the employer's option to let you re-test or, presume that you were hiding something and fire your ass or force you to attend re-hab to keep your job. Do you like poppy seed rolls? A preliminary test panel will nearly always come back positive for opiates. Although there is a secondary test to filter out the real junkies, it is VERY expensive and in the case of a pre employment test, most companies won't go to the trouble, you'll just be passed over for the next guy who happens to prefer sesame seeds on his buns. Granted these are worst-case scenarios but they can and do happen. I tried to do some research to get at least a rough estimate on the number of people whose lives have been turned inside out by the D.F.W.A. but if anyone is keeping track they're keeping the stats to themselves. Luckily, this bullshit legislation is as flawed as the despotic freedom-hating hack who signed it into law back then. In most cases having a $30.00 "piss kit" close at hand is all it takes to circumvent this blatantly unconstitutional attack on our privacy and personal freedom. Even though employers can demand a test, they do not have the right to go in the stall and watch someone piss and just to make it interesting, the law does not stipulate that compliance is required. If you tell the boss to go piss up a rope and test THAT, there isn't shit that he can do except fire you. Not that it matters what a law such as this demands anyway. I feel absolutely no obligation to submit anything other than a specimen that will allow me to continue to earn a living. Indeed, I have had several jobs since 1987 and not even once has an employer gained possession of my piss. Fuck that. As a matter of principle on at least two occasions, I have spent the money on a piss-kit for pre employment drug screening even though enough time had passed that circumvention of this bullshit law was not even remotely necessary. If I sound a little bit proud of that fact, it's because I am. Until a couple of weeks ago, as infuriating as this fucked up law is, it really only amounted to a slight hassle. Anyone too stupid or lazy to do an end run around this nonsense doesn't deserve a fucking job. Obviously, I harbor more than a little animosity and distrust regarding our government. I am sickened and infuriated by the relentless effort to control ever-increasing aspects of our lives while at the same time proclaiming the preservation and advancement of freedom. GOD FUCKING DAMNIT. Needless to say, my contempt for the idiocy that spews forth from both parties on capitol hill runs at a very high level. A couple of weeks ago I happened across an article which completely validated my loathing. It seems that Representative Ed Whitfield (R) from Kentucky, the land of mint juleps and chicken hawking wanna be colonels, has decided to take it upon himself to make it illegal to manufacture and sell various products intended for use as urine cleansers or substitutes, and judging from the tone of the article, this misguided fuck would also like to make it a crime to circumvent urine tests as well. He seems to have somehow convinced himself that he will succeed in spite of the fact that ALL previous attempts to legislate us evil dope smokers out of society have utterly and dismally failed. It is worth noting here that despite Mr. Whitfield's rabid desire to rid the free world of recreational drugs, the state which he represents is the one and only place on the planet that produces bourbon whiskey.
Just thinking about the hypocrisy involved here triggers an ambivilance that has me alternating between being glad that I don't own a large caliber sniper rifle and wishing that I did. Just kidding (probably).
Medical marijuana is currently legal in nine states (Alaska, Arizona, California, Colorado, Maine, Montana, Nevada, Oregon, and Washington.) yet the The Drug Free Workplace Act makes no exception for that fact. How would it feel to get fired because your Dr. prescribed penicillin to you? Same fucking thing. Here in California, marijuana has been a mere infraction since 1975 and has been LEGAL for medicinal use since 1996. The legal ramifications of simple possession of less than an ounce without a letter from a doctor are about the same as a parking ticket ($100.00 maximum). As a matter of fact, California's stupidly titled "health & safety code" does not even prohibit being under the influence of marijuana!!! Yet even trace amounts of THC in a urine specimen weeks after smoking carries the same consequences as a positive test result for cocaine, heroin or, methamphetamine which usually last in the bloodstream for about 72 hrs. as opposed to pot which can linger for a month or more. The resulting loss of employment, as well as access to medical, dental and optical treatment through the loss of insurance coverage is then compounded; Termination due to a positive drug test regardless of substance or amount is "justified" in the view of the drones at the unemployment office so, no benefits. Being fired from a job due to a positive THC test panel is no different from being fired because the boss happened to notice that the parking meter next to your car had expired.
Obviously, Rep. Whitfield's goal is to rid the American work force of all recreational drug users since that is by far the largest market for these products he intends to ban. True addicts regardless of their drug of choice are rarely able to hold a full time job as it tends to interfere with feeding their habit. In addition, it's hard to get a job that pays enough to buy the shit and who feels like spending the evening stealing car stereos after working all day? Nor are people buying these kits to put one over on their parole officers, those fuckers DO go in the stall and watch you while you actually piss. These kits are being sold to people who just want to keep going to work nothing more, nothing less. I can't help but wonder what would become of the congressional representative's political career if by some miraculous fluke of nature he achieved total success and every recreational dope smoker were suddenly discovered and fired from their jobs at the same time. Figures on the percentage of casual pot smokers in the workplace in the U.S. varies widely, the National Institute on Drug Abuse on their website claims that in 1985 before testing laws 17% of this country's labor market used pot but, by 1992 the number had plummeted to just 7% or roughly 20 million people. gee, I wonder who is buying all of those "whiz-kits"? i have no doubt that 7% is but a fraction of the actual figure. What kind of dumbass would admit to smoking pot in a government survey focused on the workplace? Even if the N.I.D.A. numbers are correct, it is clear that Mr. Ed intends to increase the unemployment rate by at least 7% and as mentioned before, those folks would not get unemployment benefits so the welfare rolls will take quite a spike as well. Never mind the inevitable population increase in an already strained prison system. Way to go Representative Ed Whitfield (R) from Kentucky. What a legacy, if all of us filthy dope smoking dregs of society abruptly became too stupid to avoid your feeble attempt at ruining our lives, you'd be responsible for increasing the unemployment rolls by about 20 million people. The percentage rate would jump from 5.2% to 12.2%, and that is using the 7% bullshit figure from the propaganda dept. at N.I.D.A.
Let's face the facts Mr. Ed this shit is not working. Never has, never will. The Harrison Narcotics Act of 1914 attempted to control the distribution of opium, cocaine, and their derivatives through taxation and permit requirements. Yet both of these extremely dangerous drugs are unfortunately, as popular as ever despite the undeniably dire consequences of their abuse. Jesus tap dancin' Christ, the federal government has been trying the same dismally stupid approach to this shit for 91 fucking years with the same result. If it hasn't worked by now it isn't going to work., The fucking D.E.A. budget is at 37 BILLION dollars per year and for what? Maybe a 10% confiscation rate? That is some expensive shit. of course, the only reason that much is captured is because the dope honchos throw it out there as a diversion to keep the narcs busy while the REAL shipment comes through. Does the government really want to do away with drug addiction in this country? FUCK NO they don't because if they were serious about stopping the importation of hard drugs such as coke and heroin into this country the shit would be made LEGALLY available to addicts. The astronomical profits generated by these drugs are driven by the risk factor that the government creates in its effort to eradicate them. It's fucking simple, no risk means no profit, no profit means no product.
Ya know what Representative Ed? After you've managed to purge all 20 million of us potheads from the labor force I think that we should all move down to Kentucky and spend our new found free time drinking bourbon whiskey. Of course we'll need a source of income....wanna buy some tasty northern cali bud dude?

[ Comment on this story ]

    by Fuck The World(
    gfd messagesAIM
    on May 30, 2005 08:40:13 AM
    I used to do that stuff... back in the day. But... Uhh... I got arrested.... three times. And, I guess this comment was kind of pointless....
    [Reply to this comment]
    Piss test
    by egogg(1337@clownpenis.fart)
    gfd messages
    on May 31, 2005 12:36:50 AM
    Its basically an IQ test...Anyone who is even slightly clever can outsmart them. When I took my last one, they didn't even watch. And if they did there is a fake dick + dried urine kit available (both black and white...hehe) not that I do that shit anymore, made me hungrier than a motherfucker.
    [Reply to this comment]
    Hear hear
    by TheChisa(come@me.bro)
    gfd messages
    on May 31, 2005 03:47:00 PM
    Though I no longer consume the vocacious amounts of illegal substances I once did, I still wholeheartedly agree with this assessment. I can't stand it when the world of business tries to stake their claims in the lives of their workers. When I am at home, YOU are on MY time, motherfucker!

    This point came to a head at my old IT job when my then-boss decided that it would be a good idea to get me a cellphone. I hate cellphones. I hate REGULAR phones. They're madness personified, the inability to possess thoughts of ones' own realized in terrible, terrible physical form. "Why do I need a cellphone?"

    "In case I need to contact you."

    "But I don't work at home, boss. Why would you need to call me from the next room?"

    "Well, I mean if I need you on your day off or something."

    A dramatic pause.

    "Boss," I said, "try to take what I'm about to say next in the spirit of good work relations that is intended. If it's my day off, YOU DON'T NEED TO CONTACT ME. End of discussion."

    The decision was immediately scrapped. A good thing, too -- she went bankrupt within a year, and that cellphone plan would have killed her.
    [Reply to this comment]
      i just wonder....
      by lbrtylvr
      gfd messages
      on May 31, 2005 04:17:16 PM
      what the next attempt at total control of our personal lives will be? i read somewhere that cell phones are soon gonna be required to come with a built in G.P.S. syetem!!!!! George Orwell only missed by 20 years; he shoulda called his book "2005"
      [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
        it's all radio waves...
        by Microsoft Bob(
        gfd messagesAIMICQ
        on May 31, 2005 09:20:44 PM
        and non-directional radio waves-- I've never really looked into it, but I would be very willing to believe that with a 3 month education in radio waves, you could figure out how to triangulate on a specific cell phone...

        hell, just by knowing which mini-repeater you're working from can get you within a mile radius or something like that (the mega-repeaters only cover like 15 miles of decently populated suburban land. the baby repeaters only work for something like a half mile in any direction). this is, obviously, information the bells have, and if they have them, they're a hop, skip and a jump from the gubment's repository...

        Speaking of things that rhyme with suppository, the gubment lost my fucking passport. "it isn't in our system". I leave in 2 weeks, and they lost my fucking passport. "uhh, call back tomorrow, we'll have it in our system again by then."

        [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
          i believe that i'll smoke a bowl.....
          by lbrtylvr
          gfd messages
          on May 31, 2005 09:47:42 PM
          and try to not think about it. what then? the passport that you have is considered somehow fraudulent? it's a wonder that you aren't in custody, the gubment REALLY frowns on "funny" paperwork these days. wheels up in 2 weeks? good luck with that.
          [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
            passports and morans
            by Microsoft Bob(
            gfd messagesAIMICQ
            on Jun 2, 2005 03:31:11 PM
            no, they literally lost my passport, they had no record in their systems. None whatsoever. 20 minutes on the phone, and noone could tell me where the fuck it was.

            Fortunately, I called again today, and it's all good, they figured out where they put it (oddly enough, in the mail, being sent to me)...

            In fact, it was sent to me before they told me it doesn't exist, so it just goes to show how retarded the gubment can be
            [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
          Well yeah
          by kraken
          gfd messages
          on Jun 1, 2005 12:22:17 AM
          It's really goddamn easy. In fact, there's a company who will tell you where a cell phone is located for a $200.00 fee.
          [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
    Of Course...
    by bean
    gfd messages
    on Jun 2, 2005 03:58:34 PM
    It doesn't matter how many prescription drugs you are on. Personally, I know I would much rather employ an pot head than a zoloft junkie.
    [Reply to this comment]
      makes sense to me
      by lbrtylvr
      gfd messages
      on Jun 2, 2005 04:10:44 PM
      i know people who are in a far, far taller orbit on legal script drugs than could ever be achieved on pot. it's all about the paperwork; you can be as strung out as you want, as long as you have a piece of paper from a dr. (who probably gets a kickback from the mfgr. for prescribing their shit) saying that it's o.k.
      [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
    by Spanker(
    gfd messagesAIM
    on Jun 5, 2005 04:07:26 AM
    Penn and Teller: Bullshit
    The episode on the War on Drugs.

    Absolutely fan-fucking-tastic.

    The most educational and drastically-needed-to-be-seen piece of television I've ever stumbled across.
    Season 2.
    [Reply to this comment]
    by sirensez(
    gfd messages
    on Mar 4, 2006 11:08:00 PM
    you missed one! A good one.
    [Reply to this comment]

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