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people why, god, why?
by raven
gfd messagesAIM
(duz ur face hurt its killin me) on Jun 9, 2005 03:05:15 AM

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endlessly, she questions her non-existent patriarchal creator, and i am forced to ponder into the wee hours of the dawn....

WHY GOD? WHY?
 
tonight, as my sister was wailing her idiot head off in my car when i drove 20 miles out of my way to get her, i couldn't help thinking a few extremely evil and hateful things:

1. "i can't believe a monster like you actually has feelings."
2. "i hope this doesn't result in my shit getting more fucked up when you inevitably fly into one of your fucking rages."
3. "welcome to the world of pain you've created for everyone else. karma's a bitch."
4. "why do you keep apologizing for ruining my night? you've ruined everything else, why apologize now?"
and, the most evil,
5. "i hope you go home and overdose on your fucking pills."

i didn't say these things, of course. i just repeated them to myself like a mantra, through all her screaming, wailing, and crying. the nancy kerrigan-esque "why god why"s really didn't make me more remorseful for my thoughts - i just tried to use them to drown her out.

let it be known - once upon a time, i was nice. thoughtful. forgiving. sympathetic. once upon a time, my heart was not dead. i would have been a shoulder to cry on. i would have comforted her and tried to make her feel better. i hope that someday i can regain those qualities i once possessed.

those days are gone. i am a bad person. i am not nice. this is my blood relative. i wish horrible things upon her daily. my disgust knows no fucking bounds. i drive us home, smoking quietly. i turn up my music loud. i just don't want to fucking hear it. i can't care.

i drive all the way out to the fucking boondocks to get her, and it's a nonstop wail for the long drive home. it's a nonstop wail when i get in the house. it has been four hours. it will not subside.

she won't shut her fucking mouth, and i just want to go to sleep. i'm mean. i'm evil. i don't care. retribution. i even knew he was cheating on her, it was obvious. i would feel really bad for her, if she didn't purposefully cause others strife so constantly and without remorse. this is the most pathetic thing i've ever witnessed in my life.

WHY GOD WHY.

the bully can be felled with but one arrow to the heart from a jewish thug gangsta.

WHY GOD WHY?

the sobs will not subside, all through the night.
the gas ever empties into the morning mist.

WHY GOD, WHY?

why did you create a person such as this?
why did you deposit an idiot so stupid into my realm?
why did you teach her nancy kerrigan's line, and force her to repeat it seven thousand million times?
a shriek, a whisper, a choking cry into the night:

"WHYYYYYY GOD, WHY-HY-HY-HY-HY-HY
-HYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
YYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
yyYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?"

it just doesn't make sense, god. that's why i don't believe in you.
CLEARLY I NEED MORE CIGARETTES AND SOME FUCKING EARPLUGS.
fuck this teen angst bullshit! get a fucking clue! it's your own stupid fucking fault for being blind, dumb, AND DEAF! maybe this will teach you what it fucking feels like, you crazy fucking asshole! and STOP ASKING GOD WHY, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS RATIONAL!

[ Comment on this story ]


    WWWHHHHHYYYYYYY!
    by bean
    gfd messages
    on Jun 9, 2005 01:38:17 PM
    (#18753)
    Once again raven, you capture the true essence of why most people need to punched in the face.
    [Reply to this comment]
    fuck their mom. gold stargold starthumbs up
    by TheChisa(come@me.bro)
    gfd messages
    on Jun 9, 2005 07:21:20 PM
    (#18758)
    I will make sweet, sweet love to the bitter heart of raven, once I remove it from her chest with a bandsaw.

    Tell your sister that God is doing this because he hates her. Then make up some Bible verse like Matthew 23:81 to prove it. When she calls you on it, tell her to check the MORMON Bible.
    [Reply to this comment]
      a bit off the subjuct but... half gold stardunce
      by cazualdiva(cazualdiva@notmail.com)
      gfd messages
      on Jun 10, 2005 12:54:25 AM
      (#18762)
      In the spirit of "Christ love". My husband and I were on our way into his church for his band practice and met in the parking lot el borracho (in english: a very drunk man). According to this man he spoke english, spanish, and chinese. Anyy-hooo. He follows us in and right in front of the pulpit turns to me and says "Jesus Christ! You look like J-Lo!" All I could do is laugh my ass off and then the brothers in Christ proceded to escort this lovely man from the church in the name of Band Practice. I had to leave too.
      [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
        Honestly heartcrybabycrybabycrybabydunce
        by cazualdiva(cazualdiva@notmail.com)
        gfd messages
        on Jun 20, 2005 07:52:35 PM
        (#18821)
        why the dunce? This was sarcasm and I thought folks here would find it funny. No one in my little right wing christian town has a sense of humor. I guess some here don't either. The man took Jesus' name in vain loudly in church. FanFuckingTastically funny. Maybe you had to be there.
        [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
          still want heartcrybabyduncedunce
          by cazualdiva(cazualdiva@notmail.com)
          gfd messages
          on Jun 21, 2005 10:57:05 PM
          (#18832)
          among many other things to know why and who instead of little pictures. Maybe simple cartoons is the height of your communication skill?
          *I am not using the universal "you" but since whomever chooses to dunce everything I write without name I have only "you" to use.



          [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
      hehehe
      by raven(duz ur face hurt its killin me)
      gfd messagesAIM
      on Jun 16, 2005 01:18:04 PM
      (#18809)
      we have more copies of the mormon bible in this house than anything... because my brother always stole them whenever he came across one.

      they got back together the following day and suspiciously my mom's car went missing and got wrecked the same day... hmmmmmmm....

      i'm takin' out student loans! i'm movin' out!
      [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
    I'm almost there... gold star
    by cazualdiva(cazualdiva@notmail.com)
    gfd messages
    on Jun 10, 2005 12:20:41 AM
    (#18761)
    I am that understanding shoulder that everyone cries upon. And I'm sick of it too. Not the first time they do it, or even the second, but the endless whining when I already told you how to stop it drives me nucking futs. Then I yell at them, "Stop fucking whining about shit you refuse to do anything about and continue to endlessly replicate! I mean don't bitch about shit you're not really willing to do anything about with the exception of the daunting task of bitching and ruining everyone elses day!". This does no good and I just ignore them for the rest of their drama filled lives. They whine while I read and nod in all the right places because I'm at this point too kind to tell them I don't give a shit. And these folks never seem to see that the same shit they are crying over is what they have inflicted on many. Case point: my roomate screeches, " Why (God WHY) did he cheat on me? I only slept with that other guy once." And sadly she's serious. I give up.

    Non-editor's note: Can't proof-read my dinner is ready and I hate cold food.
    [Reply to this comment]
    Don't lose that part of you! =)
    by Houses0nfire
    gfd messages
    on Dec 2, 2005 04:52:18 AM
    (#19854)

    It's 6am, I merely only dabbled in psychology, and I hope I don't come across as lame but.... it sounds to me like ur 'stonewalling' yourself from the hurts of life and that your once empathetic self has become increasingly apathetic (a rather thoroughly studied, classic and prevalent method of how people deal with life). I know u're tough as a boulder but you should know that no one can always be "the rock" and that you too need to lean on others at times. Good, accessible friends are hard to find though, indeed a great tragedy of life.
    [Reply to this comment]
      Oh, shut up Houses...
      by The Gaborg(Sidekick in my own life)
      gfd messages
      on Dec 3, 2005 01:09:20 AM
      (#19855)
      ...and stop being so psychologically correct.
      Empathy is good, empathy for dickheads is a waste of energy.
      Idiots who consistently disregard good advise should lose their right to soil other people's shoulders with their snotty tears. Let them choke on their own stupidity.
      I'm giving Raven a 10.
      [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
      Here's some sound psychological advice:
      by mythandros(Suck a Fuck)
      gfd messages
      on Dec 7, 2005 01:27:08 PM
      (#19893)
      Raven recognizes that her sister is stuck in a pattern of self abuse. If she sympathizes/empathizes/whatever with her sister, she will be enabling said sister. This isn't a matter of apathy, it's a matter of not enabling someone who actively seeks out drama. It's like an addiction with these people. So no, raven isn't "heart dead." She's sick of some legitimately retarted bullshit that even her "de-tardator rays" may not be able to fix. In short, her sister needs a dose of reality and "tough love". Tough love always looks a little asshole-ish; it's the nature of the beast.

      And yes, you sound laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame.

      That's not tough love, however. That's me being asshole-ish.
      [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
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