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people I fucking Hate Funerals.
by Microsoft Bob
gfd messagesAIMICQ
( on Sep 17, 2002 04:42:09 AM

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Imagine this:
You're in the high desert-- 108 degrees outside.
And you're outside.
In a suit.
Because some distant relative croaked.
Note: this is my first post, so be kind ;-)

I drove for six hours each way because my mother can't drive at night. And she had to work all day, the day before the funeral. We left at 10 pm, and *SOMEHOW* made it there.

We then wake up at the butt crack of dawn, and meet other family members which I either don't know or don't like.

And then, 1:30pm rolls around, and we head to the cemetary. I should mention that it's 108 degrees outside, and she's being buried in a cemetary with a total of two twigs, err, trees in it. Half an hour later, they start the funeral, and 45(!!!!) minutes later, after 3 badly sung songs, and six billion quotes from the bible-- I'm serious, I think he read a whole book-- He finally let us go. An hour and a half later, my family finally got kicked off of the cemetary ground.

I should also mention that of all the people there, three of us were dressed up. The rest (locals) were in shorts and sandals.

Then, at 10pm that night, we finally got back on the road. "Don't worry honey, I'll drive part of the way" My ass. I finally got home at 3 am.
So, if anyone ever hears that I die, this is my last wish:
4 quotes--No longer than 20 words apiece. My mom'll want them all from the bible. I don't care, just no more than four.
2 songs-- Bro hymn tribute or another such song, and something else, I don't care what. No more than two.
15 minutes long for the outdoor ceremony-- If it's a second more, someone's going to be haunted for the rest of their lives.
If there is to be a party, it will *NOT* be anywhere that the ambient temperature is more than 78 degrees.
I feel better now.

[ Comment on this story ]

    by Gwydion
    gfd messages
    on Sep 17, 2002 05:25:44 AM
    no post funeral necrophilia? aww
    [Reply to this comment]
    by bean
    gfd messages
    on Sep 17, 2002 09:36:26 AM
    haha. i cant imagine a more awful place to have a funeral. just the other day i got caught in a procession going to one of the tucson cemetaries. yeah i never attend funerals no matter where they are or who they are. i figure i didnt know most of these people and the the ones i do know that i cared about, dont need me to sit their groveling over their corpse. honestly, the whole idea seems a bit silly. you suddenly care once the person dies. suddenly everyone knows them and they were wonderful. not to mention all the wasted flowers. i say get some lighter fluid. some whiskey and lets have a barbecue with the corpse. hell. no one would forget what a great burger your corpse made. :)
    [Reply to this comment]
    That sounds swell.
    by TheChisa(come@me.bro)
    gfd messages
    on Sep 17, 2002 11:01:47 AM
    This is why I wear a kurta to funerals.
    [Reply to this comment]
    fuck funerals
    by zaxon(huk~)
    gfd messagesMSN
    on Sep 17, 2002 10:28:19 PM
    I hate'em. When I die, just burn me and toss me somewhere. None of that flowers and people-you-haven't-seen-in-years shit. Or the inevitable how our dear departed one is with Jesus blahblahblah. If some people would wish to remember me kindly, great... but no ceremonies, nothing... dispose of my carcass and move on, please.
    [Reply to this comment]
    Oh, yeah?
    by kko
    gfd messages
    on Jul 29, 2003 10:32:47 PM
    Try spending your birthday at a fucking funeral. It'll fuck you up...
    I spent my 22nd birthday (this past may 15) at my great-grandmother's funeral. That totally blew donkey nuts. Especially since we all really loved that wrinkly old lady...

    Kudos to csandy for the Fields of Fire reference...
    [Reply to this comment]
      done it...
      by Microsoft Bob(
      gfd messagesAIMICQ
      on Jul 30, 2003 12:42:24 AM
      I got you beat there--- 18 at a funeral for a classmate.... 20 at my grandfather's funeral...
      I haven't had a b-day party for the last 10 years in the month of June (22 is my b-day)

      It could be worse though-- one of my best friends' birthdays is september 11...

      Speaking of birthdays, my last one is gonna be celebrated on the weekend after the 15th... two months late... Getting closer!
      [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
        by raven(duz ur face hurt its killin me)
        gfd messagesAIM
        on Jul 30, 2003 04:04:53 PM
        if my birthday was 9/11 i'd move the fuck out of the country. i don't think i could handle people sobbing hysterically all over each other all day. how festive.
        [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
        Shit, dude...
        by kko
        gfd messages
        on Jul 30, 2003 11:33:09 PM
        that sucks. You really got it worse than me...
        [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
        yeah, i know
        by crune(
        gfd messages
        on Aug 1, 2003 12:56:40 PM
        i thought i was being really selfish. my birthday is on september 18th and i thought, this is just going to totally ruin my birthday for a few years, and thank god this didnt happen seven days from now. but you know how americans like to forget their history. i mean, how many people remember the day of pearl harbor? course they didnt name it after the fucking day. i always wished the would fucking name it something! one of those cheezy lines the media comes up with like "shock and awe." god, i wish i was canadian.
        [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
    I dislike the christian church...
    by bobby(
    gfd messages
    on Jul 30, 2003 06:03:41 PM
    or anything that resembles it... funerals included. I'm with Bean, let's throw a party instead.
    [Reply to this comment]

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