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general bank of retardica, the power is yours!
by raven
gfd messagesAIM
(duz ur face hurt its killin me) on Oct 29, 2007 07:48:07 PM

If you were logged in, you could vote for this story!

just another tale of thieving corporate bastards.
 
many close associates of mine have told me that i have some pretty terrible luck, like lindsay lohan in the movie "just my luck" in the part AFTER she meets the dude, or perhaps like lindsay lohan IRL. regardless.

anyway, saturday morning i went to the old bank of america to deposit the old paycheck. my account balance at that time being about ten dollars (i seep in my weeps). the atm would not accept my card (BALLS!) so i had to go in. the place was piz-zacked. someone wearing a bank of america nametag ("neil") came up to me and asked me if i needed to withdraw or deposit. since i only had to deposit and required no withdrawifying, he took my endorsed check, told me it would show up on my account that day, and gave me a receipt for the transaction. a transaction that apparently never occurred.

three days later and there is still no proof that i ever had a paycheck according to my bank account. i called this "neil" today so i could bitch him out - turns out this dumb motherfucker is an assistant manager (?) of mind-numbingly stupid proportions -- and he tried to put the blame on SOMEONE ELSE when HE is the one i HANDED my fucking check to. they "deposited it wrong" -- or, in layman's terms, THEY DIDN'T DEPOSIT IT and IT SAT THERE FOR THREE FUCKING DAYS.
"i have it in my hand," he says encouragingly. DOES THAT MAKE IT BETTER, YOU TOOL? DOES THAT PUT TEN BUCKS IN MY CAR SO I CAN GET TO WORK? DOES THAT PUT A PACK OF CIGARETTES IN MY PURSE? DOES THAT PAY MY FRIENDS BACK FOR COVERING MY ASS THIS WEEKEND WHEN MY MONEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN MY FUCKING ACCOUNT AND IT WASN'T BECAUSE OF YOU? NO? I DIDN'T THINK SO YOU PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT. "get it out of your hand and put it into my fucking bank account," i said.

"i'm sorry. i'm going to talk to the person responsible for this." GO LOOK IN A MIRROR, TWAT!
he said it would be "fixed by tonight"... the end of the business day at bank of america is supposed to be two pm, and there still ain't no money or pending money in my fucking account. part of me thinks this braindead asshole cashed it and went to vegas for the weekend and now he's going to the boat trying to win it all back. i'm going to get great pleasure out of ripping his ass apart when i close my account because of this. i have no cigarettes because the bank stole my money, so i'm going to be a joy to deal with.

for some reason this ridiculous ordeal has only reminded me of my ancient great-grandmother telling me as a child to never, ever put money in banks because the banks took her money at the time of the depression and you can't trust strangers with your money. i should keep it in a mattress like the classy broad i am.

[ Comment on this story ]


    ah gold star
    by clipon
    gfd messagesMSN
    on Oct 30, 2007 12:47:23 PM
    (#25352)
    yes
    i am hating all wank of bank. all peop who worki ther is nazi. they like order and new pens. i want tel them to stop play wit my money becuas i am like a monoply king and they are NOT BANKRE. tawts. i also agre of this man for looke in miror. WHat a shitlip. You sould go in and give him a weddge.
    [Reply to this comment]
      dammit clipon! gold star
      by scarygermanguy(none@yourbusiness.com)
      gfd messages
      on Oct 30, 2007 06:30:59 PM
      (#25353)
      By now I should know not to read your comments while drinking, I think I should make you come clean my monitor off.
      [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
      is clipon for real? dunce
      by chronos
      gfd messages
      on Oct 31, 2007 09:46:28 PM
      (#25359)
      What accounts for his grammar and spelling? It seems like more than just translation issues.
      [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
        As South Park has shown us....
        by egogg(1337@clownpenis.fart)
        gfd messages
        on Nov 1, 2007 12:33:50 AM
        (#25361)
        Even imaginary things are real.
        [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
          ohyes
          by clipon
          gfd messagesMSN
          on Nov 1, 2007 01:32:51 PM
          (#25362)
          i kjus here from farter christingmas
          [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
            See?
            by The Gaborg(Sidekick in my own life)
            gfd messages
            on Nov 2, 2007 01:54:16 AM
            (#25365)
            Farter christingmas.

            Tere are some massively smart and/or funny people writing here on GFD, but there's only one Clipon.

            I've also wondered in the past if his genius was spontaneous or a carefully built persona.
            Now I know better: don't try to figure out the Clip, just go with the flow and enjoy his farter christingmasses along with his shitlipses, engerlands, wierdingfreaks, stypids, funger puzzas and other bits of genius that he so generously shares with us.

            Actually, I'm gonna go a bit over the top and say that Clipon is one of my favourite people in the world. Whaddahell. I love you, Clip.

            OK, I'm going to the de-gay chamber now, so I can go back to being a daddy.
            [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
        Go with it
        by thatsme(nada@sympatico.ca)
        gfd messages
        on Nov 1, 2007 08:49:36 PM
        (#25363)
        the humour is worth the attempt at translation - there is no attempt at trying to figure it out - have 2 shots of Crown Royal on an empty stomach and read it - all of it - digest it as the Crown Royal moves through the system and them suddenly the world makes sense - no really - I am more honest here than any other place in the world - sometimes when that guy speaks, the volume increases and the rest of the "cornucopia of sound" seems to take less of my attention

        Did I just TYPE that?!?!! I better seak some serious paid help...or just a closer LCBO!!
        [Reply to this comment]  [Parent]
    You know what...
    by bean
    gfd messages
    on Oct 30, 2007 11:54:25 PM
    (#25354)
    ...more and more I think people like your grandma were right. It makes more interest in the mattress anyway. I mean loose change might come out of your pockets more readily than what banks give you.

    I've had shit like that happen with all sorts of banks. They don't care unless you are on one of their higher tiers. Meaning that you have a nice big balance for them to loan out.

    Assholes.
    [Reply to this comment]
    You don't even need Neal to get fucked
    by The Gaborg(Sidekick in my own life)
    gfd messages
    on Oct 31, 2007 06:11:10 PM
    (#25358)
    Banks are designed to fuck you, and not exactly in a way that's gonna give you an orgasm any time soon.
    "What is robbing a bank compared with founding a bank?" (Bertolt Brecht)

    December 2001 in Argentina, after 10+ years of artificially inflated local currency (1peso = 1 US dollar), three things happened in quick progression:

    1- Government issues a decree stating that in order to "save the economy" bank accounts were being frozen, i.e., you can only withdraw up to $250 a week.
    2- US Dollar escalates to 3, then, 6, then 8+ pesos, finally balancing in about $3.
    3- Government issues a decree stating that all debts were being "pessified". Meaning, if you owed someone U$100, now you owed him AR$100. That is, about U$30. Good news, right? Yeah, if you don't happen to be the guy who lent the money, or sold his house/car/whatever and is still getting paid.

    There were two minor difficulties with this "pessification", though.

    Difficulty 1 was that by then, making 30 bucks was about as hard as making 100 earlier, due to inflation. In case you hadn't lost your job in the debacle (18% of the population, in 3 months). So much for relief.
    Difficulty 2 was that this marvelous idea was made extensive to banks. Meaning that people who had local bank accounts in US dollars were informed they now owned local bank accounts in pesos.

    Translation:
    "You gave us thirty grand in green banknotes. Why, thanks man! You want 'em back? We're giving you ten. Because we can. Oh, you want it right now? No, that would be terrible for the economy, y'know. You can have 250 a week, I mean 83, whatever, big deal. We cool, right? Thanks for choosing us!"


    Your Neal is just a malfunctioning screw in a huge machinery carefully designed to gang-rape, bitch-slap, and bukkake you 50 ways to sunday. And the really great news is, there's no way to eschew the system. Whatever you do in life, sooner or later you'll get a check and you'll have to cash it.
    My advice: once you cashed it, keep it in a can.
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