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people To my lovely online friends who have chosen to procreate:
by TheChisa
gfd messages
(come@me.bro) on Jun 26, 2013 04:11:48 AM

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Your kids aren't special.
 
Sorry! I know that literally every fiber of your being tells you otherwise, because after millions of years of genetic evolution via sexual reproduction we have built an internal system that favors a strong, bonding connection to our offspring, and that's pretty great as evolutionary advantages go. So good on you! Your humanity is functioning as it is supposed to.

But seriously, except for you? No one thinks your kids are cool. I know some of them say they do, but they really don't. Your kids are unpleasant little beasts. They are essentially retarded midgets by their very nature, and will remain so for several decades. Would you want to hang out with a retarded midget? With a complete inability to understand their own emotional reactions or make choices based on rational data? Who doesn't pay rent or wash the dishes? No, me neither.

Also: we really, really, really, REALLY do not need any more human beings. We just don't. Seven billion is PLENTY, and in fact probably a few too many. You are not helping.

Having kids is basically like writing a vanity book: no one wants to read that shit, it will never recoup the funds you put into it, and in about twenty years you'll view it as a gross embarrassment and hope no one realizes it's yours.

Oh, but not YOUR kids! No no no, I was talking to all the other billions of people, not my personal friends. No, obviously your kids are completely special little magical rainbows in chubby flesh-forms, sent by Jeebus to bring joy and enlightenment into the world with their wacky antics. Please send many more photos and videos of them putting spaghetti on their heads, figuring out a watch is not edible, asking insightful questions like "where does the poop go", etc. etc. I can eat that shit up for days.

Just kidding! Your kids are fucking boring. What the fuck, yo? If I wanted to see a series of pictures chronicling the life of a semi-literate, self-important, technically brain-damaged sociopath... ha ha, bet you thought I was going to put a Kanye West joke in there, didn't you? Nope, I'm not your monkey.

(Incidentally, is there ANY pair of human beings on the planet that should procreate LESS than Kanye West and Kim Kardashian? Because UGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH, that's a barf sandwich on puke bread, y'all. I would be less disgusted if Mitt Romney had a baby with one of those horned lizards that shoots blood from its eyes. I would be less disgusted if one baby got ANOTHER baby pregnant.)

Anyway. I know I do plenty of shit none of you give a rats ass about, and you can totally feel free to call me on how fucking banal and navel-gazing I am ("Here comes another batch of STREAMING RADIO LINKS! Who wants to have a Velvet Elvis online listening party, eh? EH?") because, sure, I probably deserve that.

Your kids are still boring.

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