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general Wasps
by grandtheftcondom
gfd messages
( on Aug 28, 2013 04:24:59 PM

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AKA: Flying toxic nightmares
I recently had my ass handed to me by a bee. Not a yellowjacket or a wasp, but the honey bee. One of the ones that are a friend to gardners and those who enjoy eating plant-based foods. I am allergic to bees, and this recent encounter has a great respect for stinging insects. And when I say respect, what I mean is piss-my-pants style fear.

I am a smoker, as many of you know. Since there is no smoking on the property, I am forced to smoke in the alley behind my garage. This wouldn't be an issue, except the roof overhang of my garage happens to apparently be prime real estate for wasps. So every time I light up, I must make the nerve wracking trip through wasp neighborhood.

And wasps are so aggressive. I feel like a nerdy white kid from the suburbs who got lost in the wrong part of the Bronx. If wasps could speak, I'm pretty sure their voice would all sound like an angry Samuel L. Jackson. They look at me like, "Whatchoo doin' on my block, motherfucker?" And I'm all slow and cautious and trying with all of my being to not do anything that might be mistaken as confrontational. "Hey, now. I don't want any trouble. I just want to smoke my cigarette and go back inside." And the wasps respond with angry buzzing and threatening dives, which I can only assume means, "Oh motherfucker you just found some fucking trouble!"

It wouldn't be so scary except I'm allergic and an EPI pen costs a few hundred fucking dollars. So there is that fear that after a sting or two I wouldn't be well enough to dial 911, let alone survive that ambulance ride.

So, being the occasionally logical being I am, I inform the landlord of this grotesque wasp invasion. Does he care? No. "Leave me alone, and they'll leave you alone." First of all, that's a fucking lie. Does he care when I tell him I'm allergic? No. If not for the serious life risk, I'd get stung on purpose and sue the asshole.

Maybe if I give them an unconscious cricket as tribute they'll leave me in peace. Either that or I'm going to go after their hive with a fucking flamethrower.

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