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|In which our hero recounts his epic quests to devour that which fuels him, and other tales of tomfoolery and general idiocy.|
|The time was 3:30 AM, or thereabouts. I had just come off of a plane and I was in Chicago O'Hare. I had made a bet that I wouldn't drink any Monsters for a week, and with a habit pushing one a day, that was tough. Wouldn't ya know it, the week ended as I got off the plane. There I was, craving fuel, and there was nothing around.|
Our hero, having slipped the bonds of his homeland, aches for the elixir that keeps him alive.
I didn't find jack-fucking-shit. Meant a whole nother week, caffeine free. Fuck me, right?
Las Vegas, 2018. Imagine Carl from The Walking Dead, but with both eyes. And less zombies.
I was there with my parents. Being old enough to walk around Vegas but not old enough to get shitfaced doing it sucks. Vegas is a pretty fucked place if you're sober...
Anyway, having ditched my parents to head back to the hotel (Luxor, trust me it's relevant), and wait for them to call me to get to dinner, I was relaxing and had been watching some Linus Tech Tips. I get the call.
"Hey, dinner's in 15 minutes"
15 minutes to get from the Luxor to the Cosmopolitan.
I'm a pretty anti-everything guy. The Luxor was cool. I hate most everything about Vegas though. Gambling's boring, everyone's either trashy or stupid (or both, definitely overlap), and the Cosmopolitan was the home of the "white girl". I put my earbud in, and put on some AC/DC.
I sprinted through the Excalibur out towards the Cosmo. Full speed. Making it to New York, New York, I ran through the casino. Reaching the Irish pub there I switched to some Skynyrd. Once I reached the Aria it was Five Finger Death Punch. Just a little bit later, I had reached the Cosmopolitan. All I could think was: "why."
Why the fuck would anyone want to waste their money in Vegas, on booze and stupid shit. I can get shitfaced and act like a retard way cheaper at home.
I came to a realization about a day after I got home. The dumbfuck millenials that I'm always ripping on, that I saw there, are old enough to have kids.
I realized this after seeing, I shit you not, 4 women wearing shirts that said, and I quote, "#MomsDoVegas"
1: These people, the first wave of the social media generation, are having kids
2: These kids are props, used as a badge, a hashtag, to get the title of "Mom"
3: The poor, poor bastard that knocked these dumb whores up has to watch the kid while the mom is off in Vegas, getting drunk in public.
Fuck this generation, man.