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|by Brett M. Kavanaugh|
I am a good judge. A fair judge. An impartial judge. I do not bring partisan politics into the courtroom, and I believe no judge ever should. I love the Constitution. I love freedom.
Except, that is, whenever I'm rip-roaring drunk. Then I turn into kind of an asshole.
Unfortunately, this was the case at my recent senate confirmation hearing. You see, I'd gotten pretty wasted the night before. I was having some beers (I like beer) with my longtime pals Tobin, Squi, Mark, Trucky, L'il Chimichanga, Shades, Rapey Frank, and Screech from Saved By The Bell. I may have had a few too many beers, because when I got up the next morning -- woo nelly. Hangover like you wouldn't believe.
I figured a little hair of the dog would set me right. So I had a beer. I like beer.
Well, next thing I know I'm right back into it with Trucky making me do a keg stand and Shades fucking up my pocket Constitution, which is why it looked like that. So I've got like twenty minutes to get there, piss drunk, and somehow I make it, totally wasted.
Wait, what was I talking about? Oh right. I am an impartial judge.
Anyway, I got a little sloppy at the hearing, and I cried about my old calendars, which I get now is really, really weird. And then I yelled at a senator and GOT AWAY WITH IT. Holy shit, dude.
But I'm not always like that! Whenever I'm sober I am a completely open-minded, 100 percent equitable judge. Which is at least 35 percent of the time.
So please, America, understand that I was not there at my hearing as just a judge, but also as an angry, mopey, shit-yourself blind-drunk raging alcoholic. Please understand. Please. I really want this job.
Hey, you gonna finish that? Slide that bad boy on down here. I've got a heck of a thirst from all this jabberin'.